• - Why did they put a fence around the graveyard?
    - Because people are dying to get there.

  • 60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahh, it's cute.
    3. Who circumcised you?
    4. Why don't we just cuddle?
    5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    6. It's more fun to look at.
    7. Make it dance.
    8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
    9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
    10. It looks like a night crawler.
    11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
    13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
    14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
    15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
    16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    17. Oh no, a flash headache.
    18. (giggle and point)
    19. Can I be honest with you?
    20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
    21. Let me go get my tweezers.
    22. How sweet, you brought incense.
    23. This explains your car.
    24. You must be a growing boy.
    25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
    27. Are you one of those pygmies?
    28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
    29. Every heard of clearasil?
    30. All right, a treasure hunt!
    31. I didn't know they came that small.
    32. Why is God punishing you?
    33. At least this won't take long.
    34. I never saw one like that before.
    35. What do you call this?
    36. But it still works, right?
    37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
    38. It looks so unused.
    39. Do you take steroids?
    40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
    41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
    44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
    45. Aww, it's hiding.
    46. Are you cold?
    47. If you get me real drunk first.
    48. Is that an optical illusion?
    49. What is that?
    50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
    51. Were you neutered?
    52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    53. Does it come with an air pump?
    54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    55. Where are the puppet strings?
    56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
    57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
    58. Never mind, why bother.
    59. Is that a second belly button?
    60. Where's the rest of it?

  • Salesman of the Year

    A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
    Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
    Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"...

  • Calculate

    For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 52 million. 29 million are retired. That leaves 23 million to do the work. There are 12 million in school, which leaves 17 million to do the work. Of this there are 9 million employed by the federal government, leaving 8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 5.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 3,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting and reading “English4U”.

    A Talk

    Two friends:
    - I heard that you have made a band.
    - Yes, it's a quartet.
    - How many of you are there?
    - There are three.
    - Three?
    - Me and my brother.
    - You have a brother?
    - No, why do you ask?

    You don't have much time

    A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
    "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
    "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
    "10..." says the doctor.
    "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately .

    desperately отчаянно

  • Masculine or feminine nouns

    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
    - "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
    A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
    The women won.
    (Guys, that's a joke!)

    masculine мужской пол (род)
    feminine женский пол (род)
    gender род

  • Aphorisms

    Actors are the only honest hypocrites. William Hazlitt Актеры - единственные честные лицемеры.
    Love is a conflict between reflexes and reflections. Don Herold Любовь - это конфликт между рефлексами и размышлениями.
    Genius is one percent inspiration and ninetly - nine percent perspiration. T. A. Edison Гений - это одни процент вдохновения и девяносто девять процентов потения.
    Lack of many is the root of all evil. G. B. Shaw Отсутствие денег - вот корень всех зол.
    Friendship among women is only a suspension of hostilities. Count Rivarol Дружба между женщинами - это просто временное перемирие.
    Common sense is not so common. Voltaire Здравый смысл не так уж здрав.
    Modern women understand everything except their husbands. Oscar Wilde Современные женщины понимают всё и всех, кроме своих мужей.
    Second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience. S. Johnson Второй брак - это победа надежды над опытом.
    Illusion is the first of all pleasures. Voltaire Иллюзии - первое из удовольствий.
    Everybody is ignorant, only on different - subjects. W. Rogers Все - невежды, просто в определенных областях.
    I'm a believer in punctuality though it makes me very lonely. E. V. Lucas Я верю в пунктуальность, хотя это и делает меня очень одиноким.
    A man falls in love just as he falls downstairs. It is an accident. Southley Человек влюбляется точно так же, как и падает с лестницы. Это - несчастный случай.
    Practice is the best of all instructors. Publius Syrus Практика - наилучший учитель.
    If you want to avoid seeing a fool you must first break your mirror. Rabelais Если тебе надоело смотреть на дурака, прежде всего, разбей зеркало.
    Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. W. Rogers. Все смешно, пока это происходит с другими.
    An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband. B. Tarkington. Идеальная жена - это любая женщина, у которой идеальный муж.
    All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain В этой жизни Вам нужны только невежество и уверенность в себе - и успех Вам обеспечен.

  • sms
    Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?

    Your daddy must be a terrorist 'cus you're DA BOMB!

    Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart!

    I would have answered your letter soonerb but you did not write me one.

    I love the spring mornings, the afternoons in autumn, the winter evenings and the summer nights....but you I love more !

    There is a clown in my heart. Small and very special, he can dance and jump, laugh and sing ... are you sad and crying, you can borrow him.

    Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!!

    The less you open up to others, the more you will suffer.

  • Funny Stories

    Duck hunting

    He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

    In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

    Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.

    Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??

    Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.

    One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..

    The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

    Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

    The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

    And you thought your day was not going well.

    I know this lawyers

    A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

    At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

  • If you want to have a sex
    F**k my dog his name is Rex
    If you want a little brother
    Ask your dad to f**k your mother

    Or this:

    If you want to f**k the sky
    You must teach your ass to fly =))

    And this, really bad:

    If you want to be okay
    Suck my p***s everyday

  • very strange... what is it all for here?