November 30, 1995
Dear Mrs. Smith,
We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss, and as a life-time memento on his birthday.
We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as it is our routine procedure, with the following results:
When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to 40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated a -2.
To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.
The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"
The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"
We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however, invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Please be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in John's case.
Jane Brown Playgirl, Inc.